Author Stacey Rourke

Friday, March 28, 2014

Queen of the Epic Fail

Looking at the cover of Ascension, Celeste Garrett appears the very definition of the noble warrior. And in many situations, she is! She's slayed a dragon, defeated countless number of demons, taken on a dozen Titans with just a mace and broad sword, and has always done so with masterful technique and a quippy one liner. Normal life, on the other hand, is where our hero shows the awkward side that makes her so endearing to readers! Without further ado, here is a count down of experts that display some of Celeste's biggest EPIC FAILS;

5.) Taken from Sacrifice- “Didn’t realize the attire for your battles had become so lax.”
“We were having a bachelorette party for Alaina, then the entertainment turned out to be—” I pushed off his chest, looked side-to-side to see for eavesdroppers, then cupped my hands around my lips and mouthed the word, “—evil.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I am not!”
He raised one eyebrow and folded his arms over his chest.
“Okay, maybe a little,” I tittered. A burp quickly turned that laugh to a grimace.
Disapproval oozed from every pore of him as he shook his head. “Fate of the world depends on your safety and you’re standing out here in the middle of the night completely shnockered. Ya really don’t have a lick of sense, do ya?”
“I have plenty of sense. You’re,” I poked my finger into his pec, “just a big grouch. You better start being nicer to me, or I won’t ask you and your adorable chin dimple to go to my brother’s wedding with me.”
His stern exterior shattered and for reasons I didn’t understand in the least he visibly struggled not to laugh. “You want me to be your date for the wedding? Even though—Heaven forbid—others might see?”
“Others-smothers!” I waved a dismissive hand in the air. “Just you, me, and this adorable little butt-chin. What do you say?” I punctuated my question by sticking my finger into his chin dimple and adding a, “Boop!”

4.) Taken from Ascension- Eddie jerked to a stop. Whatever idea suddenly brightened his face filled me with nothing but dread. “You know what you need?”
“To make today’s lesson Face Punching 101?”
“A makeover!”
“I like my idea better.”
“Yes!” The twins chorused and clapped their enthusiastic response. “We’ll take a page from the book of Timberlake and bring her sexy back!”
My arms folded over my chest. “A world of no.”
“Seriously, think about it.” I flinched away as Eddie clasped a lock of my hair and turned it over to inspect my split ends. “Right now they see you as the chick that single-handedly launched the war of good versus evil. Maybe it’s time you reminded them that under your hard warrior exterior is a moderately attractive girl that happens to suffer from violent tendencies.”
“I’d like to revisit the face punching option.” I scowled and slapped his hand away.
Red stepped in front of me and blatantly stared at my chest. “I know an incantation that can give her curves like Monroe. There’s not even a hint of boob here.”
I dropped my hands to my sides and glared daggers at the fire demon.
“Not that your boobie nubbins aren’t lovely.” He gulped.
“Okay, we’re done here!” I shouted, pushing my way out of their smothering huddle.

3.)  Taken from Embrace- The glowing sphere circled around and moved in for a body shot. I didn’t know if my telepathy was a hands-free power, but I had to try. I squinted and tried to give it a mind shove. No luck. Time was running out. I focused in again, but this time roughly rotated my shoulder to fling my dead arm up. It worked—kind of. I managed to steer it off its original path, but set it on a direct collision course with the left side of my face. Electricity rocked through my brain. I fell to the ground twitching.
“We will call that time up,” Alaina called, and the orbs retreated.
My body gave one last spastic shudder as I lay sprawled in the dirt. I stared up at the treetops. The tiki torches Grams brought to line the perimeter and light the clearing illuminated them. Her head was the first to pop into my line of vision.
  “Geez Celeste, you look like you had a stroke. You really shouldn’t have let that thing hit you.”
Kendall’s head poked in next. “Aww! Her face is all droopy like a Bassett Hound.”
I groaned in response.
Gabe leaned over me as he struggled to pull his shirt on with one working arm. “That’s what you get for wussing out and using your mind power.”
“Ewwwww suuuuuuuuuuuk.”
Last but not least came a very sympathetic looking Alaina. “My, that didn’t end well. Did it?”
They shook their heads as they stared down at me. Finally, Gabe and Kendall grabbed my limp arms and yanked me to my feet.
Grams wiped at my mouth with her flag. “Guess I’ll have to call into work for you. I’ll just say you need an emergency root canal. That’ll give you an excuse if the drooling lasts a while.”
I tried to scowl, but my face hung slack. The life of a superhero. Glamorous, no?

2.) Taken from Sacrifice- Kendall and I stood in silence and surveyed the destroyed bridal shop. Black slime dripped from every surface and streaked down the walls. All the beautiful formal wear Vicki displayed in her showroom was a total loss. My guilt got the best of me and I tried to rectify the situation a little by righting one of the display racks. It bumped the wall and caused a giant glop of spider sludge to drip from the ceiling and plop down right on my head. Black ooze slowly seeped through my hair and trickled down my face.
Kendall dry heaved beside me. “Oh that’s beyond nasty! I’m gonna puke just looking at you!”

 And the #1 biggest Epic Fail moment is ... drum roll, please ... the following scene from Embrace-
“A warm drink would be bliss. I’ve heard great things about cappuccinos, but ne’er actually had one. One of those’d be great.”
“Sorry, our cappuccino machine is broken,” I apologized. “Dead actually. Won’t even turn on. We have a great assortment of teas or coffees, if you would like one of those instead.”
Confusion creased his brow, creating the only lines in his otherwise unblemished porcelain skin. With narrowed eyes, he peered past me to the counter. “Ya sure it’s broken? Sounds like it’s on now.”
I turned my head in the direction of the counter. He was right, something was whirring. I could hear it, too. But it wasn’t coming from the counter, or the DOA cappuccino machine. It was closer than that. Close enough that I could feel the vibration in my chest.
Oh, sweet- mother-of- all-that’s-good-and-pure, IT’S ME!! I’m purring!! I know I have the essence of the Gryphon in me. And part of that is, in fact, feline. But, seriously?!  Purring?!  Someone kill me now!